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³¼MENTAL PAGES¼³
²Well, well last time we asked you to
send some of your best jokes, and what
happened...We got almost burried in
stupid and sick jokes. We didn't expect
it to be such a big success. Thanks !!
Well, you didn't pick these pages to
listen to me, so let's dive right in to
the Twilight Zone or as we call it :
TaaDaa !! THE MENTAL PAGES.
Well, you have to put up with me just a
little longer, because the first jokes
on these pages are from me(how modest).
Get ready for some babelaying jokes....
¹
---------------------------------------
- Yesterday I saved a girl from being
raped.
- How ?
- Ahh, Well you have to control
yourself sometimes !!
---------------------------------------
- How can you be two months behind,
when you have only been on this study
for two weeks ??
- Skill, Sir !
---------------------------------------
An evening in the park.....
- Oh, listen to all those grasshoppers
playing.
- It's not grasshoppers, it's zippers !
---------------------------------------
In the waiting room at a shrink, a man
starts stuffing tobacco in one of his
ears. The shrink comes out.....
- It seems that you need help !
- Yeah.....Got a match !
---------------------------------------
An old lawyer, was consulted by a young
very goodlooking blond.
He showed her in to his office, and
just before closing the door, he turned
to his secretary and said:
- If somebody is screaming in here,
it's me !!
---------------------------------------
A Father, trying to teach his son a
little math......
- Do you know what comes after 10.
- Well, on the days that you work, it's
usually the neighbour !!
---------------------------------------
A Guard to a prisoner, in a jail :
- Goddammit !! Stop bothering me. I
promise I'll tell you when it's 15th
of January, 2023.
---------------------------------------
- George, how did Alexandre the 2. of
Russia die ?
- It was a bomb.
- Yes, but what happened ?
- It exploded !!
---------------------------------------
A doctor was visited by a male patient.
To test him, the Doctor drew a circle:
- "What's that", the Doctor said.
- It's a woman's breast !
The Doctor drew a square:
- What is this then ?
- It's a naked woman !!
- Okay, that's enough, I've had it !
You are a complete sex maniac !!
- Who's a sexmaniac ?! You are the one
drawing all these pornographic pic-
tures !!
---------------------------------------
- Where is your Grade Report Card ??
- George borrowed it. He wanted to
scare his Dad !!
---------------------------------------
- My Mother-in-Law was kidnapped last
week, and the kidnappers send me a
letter where they demanded 20.000 $
imidiately, otherwise they would send
her back !
---------------------------------------
- You are a real man, Ralph, we've only
known each other for a few days, and
I'm already pregnant in the 3. month.
---------------------------------------
- Mummy, mummy it's really unfair ! I
have just seen Dad and Aunt Liz in
the backyard, and you should have
seen her. And I get yelled at, just
for sucking my thumb !!
---------------------------------------
- Have you lived here all your life ?
- No, not yet !
---------------------------------------
- You don't look happy, what's the
matter ?
- I'm going to be a father !
- Well, not bad, what about your wife ?
- She doesn't know yet !
---------------------------------------
The young newly wed bride was very
unexperienced in bed, but had fully
enjoyed the pleasures at the wedding-
night. In the morning, when she woke up
and saw the groom's exhausted dick, she
cried :
- Ohh NO, we used it all up on the
first night !!
---------------------------------------
- Why do you say to everybody that I'm
an idiot ?
- Oh, sorry, I didn't know that it was
a secret !
---------------------------------------
²Well, after these totally amazing
excellent stupid jokes (HAHAHAH) by
me (Mud), we are jumping right in to
it....and always remember.....Party on
guys !!!
¹---------------------------------------
- What's the same about South Africa
and Pippi Longstocking???
- They both have an ape called Nelson...
---------------------------------------
- Who's the most popular singer in
Finland these days?
- Marky Mark...
---------------------------------------
²Ohh God, nearly laughed my ass off, but
let's go on with some weirdoes from
Mat. Here we go......
¹---------------------------------------
A man is driving down a road and he
sees a load of black people hitching
for a lift, now this guy is realllly
rascist so he runs 'em all down! Wow
that was great he says. A few more mi-
les down the road he sees a load more
blackies...which he emmidiatley kills!!
Further down the road he sees a vicar
who is also hitching a lift, he stops
and offers the vicar a lift, the vicar
gets in and off they go down the road
together...A bit later they see tons of
blackies, the guy thinks right and
heads for the hitch hickers but at the
last minute remembers about the vicar
and swerves away and avoids the
blackies. He says " I'm sorry about
that vicar, I don't know what came over
me..." The vicar replies "It's Ok. my
son I got 'em with my door!!!"
---------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a septic cat.
A: PUSS!!
---------------------------------------
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet ?
A: To stamp out forest fires ?
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet ?
A: To stamp out smouldering ducks!
---------------------------------------
Q: A man and his son are driving down a
road and they have a crash. The man
dies but the son is only injured. The
kid goes to hospital and has to have an
operation so he goes to theatre. The
surgeon looks at the kid and says " I
can't operate on this boy he is my son"
...how come ?
A: The surgeon is his mother.
---------------------------------------
²JESUS...Just dropped me teath in the
toilet....I got to stop laughing of
these sick jokes. Next Il Nerdos Amusus
on stage is Nighthawk of Majic 12. I
know this guy, and I know how mental he
is, so don't say I didnt warn you......
¹---------------------------------------
He ordered one giant pizza...
"Shall I cut it in 4 or 6 pieces?"
asked the waitor.
"Better in only 4, cause I probably
can't eat 6 pieces!!!"
---------------------------------------
"Yesterday I saved a girl from being
raped!"
"No!?!"
"Yes it's true, I couldn't catch her!"
(doesn't this joke remind you of
another joke on these pages !? -ed)
---------------------------------------
"He called me a fat pig!" "What shall I
do?"
"Well, I don't know what a fat pig
would do!!!"
---------------------------------------
The Doctors secretary comes rushing in
the office of the Doctor...
"Doc! Doc!" She yells-
"You just told Mr. Johnson he was
perfectly allright, but now he has
dropped dead outside your door!!!"
"Hurry up, come with me" Says the Doc!
"We must turn him around, so it looks
like he was coming into my office!!!"
---------------------------------------
"Mum, can I go and play with Tommy?"
"No! You can not, you know I don't like
that boy!"
"Well, can I go and beat him up then?!"
---------------------------------------
The wife wakes up her husbond in the
middle of the night...
"There is a thief down under eating the
cake I baked yesterday" she says.
"Should I call the police or an
ambulance?!?" he responds!
---------------------------------------
What do you call a man who keeps on
talking even though nobody are
listening to him?
? ? ?
A politician!!!
---------------------------------------
What does one pig say???
Oink!
What does two pigs say???
Oink! Oink!
What does 50 million pigs say???
Deutschland ueber alles!!!
---------------------------------------
Why does the orgasm come in punches???
Otherwise women can't swallow it!!!
---------------------------------------
The man comes home with 4 car-tires,
"why have you bought some tires when
you don't have a car?" asks the wife!
"Well, you buy a bra too, don't you?!?"
---------------------------------------
"Why do you have 3 pair of glasses?"
"One I use when I read"
"The second I use when I'm driving"
"And the third, I use when I can't find
the other two!!!"
---------------------------------------
A man comes crawling through the desert
and is dying of thirst, when he meets
a man who wants to sell him a tie.
"No tie for me" groans the man - "What
in the world can I use a tie for?" "I
need water" "Where can I get water?"
"At the Hilton hotel, about 3 hours
walk to west"
With big trouble the man struggles
to the hotel, and is finally laying
infront of the hall porter groaning...
"Water, water!"
"Sorry sir, you can not come inside
without wearing a tie!!!"
---------------------------------------
"Why are you hammering yourself in the
head with that hammer?"
"Because it feels so good when I stop!"
---------------------------------------
"Why on earth have you put your moped
in your bed???"
"Cause I am tired of sleep-walking!!!"
---------------------------------------
What is the equality between a Russian
tampon and a game of Ice-Hockey???
???
They both have to last in 3 periods!!!
---------------------------------------
²HAHhahahahhHeHEEhehhihihi....aaarrgghhh
Glup SPLAT...Can't take it anymore, I
told you....This guy is totally mental.
Well, on to our next contributor of
amusement Pulstar of Slipstream. Read
the following jokes and get a heart
attack.......
¹---------------------------------------
Car drove on highway. Driver put his
head out from window and screamed:
Stupid! Lunatic! Dummy! Little boy,
sitting on backseat, asked: Mom, to WHO
does pa scream ? Mother: To other
drivers. Those who drive under the
speedlimits are stupids. Those who
drive over speedlimits are lunatics.
Those who drive exactly by speedlimits
are dummies.
---------------------------------------
Young man was in the courtroom. Judge
said: Naah, it's you again. This time
you'll get a hard punishment, IF you
don't go back to school and also start
being successful in there. Young man:
And how does it help me ? Judge: There,
my boy, you'll learn many LEGAL ways to
break the law !
---------------------------------------
Look, with this new rifle I finally can
shoot a lynx ! -But there isn't many
lynxes left anymore ! They'll soon be
come extinct !
- That's why I should get one quick !
---------------------------------------
Good morning sir, I'm collecting money
for scouts. Would you please give a
little donation.
- Of course, my boy. What have others
given ?
- Excuses !
---------------------------------------
In the courtroom: I think that, I'm not
the right person for a jury member, I
can't accept deathsentences, said young
woman. Judge: Well, this is a lot smal-
ler case. Wife file suited against his
husband because of battering. Woman:
Ah, in THAT case I suggest deathsen-
tence !
---------------------------------------
Man at doctor: I've got a little fat
ter, since last time, am I a bit too
fat in your opinion ? Doc: No, not at
all. If you lose 10 kg's, you'd just
belong to people, that are 'a bit too
fat' !
---------------------------------------
Unbelieveable ! said father, How is
possible that, they give more and more
money for schools and there are still
too many students per teacher ! Boy:
Well, it doesn't matter me. Bigger
class means that, teacher don't ask ME
so often !
---------------------------------------
Look, there comes Carol and Phil with
their new baby, said woman to her
friend. Yea, said other, I hope that,
they'll finally stop codling their
mutt. Oh mine, how lovely baby. Boy,
aren't you happy ? Phil & Carol: Yep,
and Rex is also happy now, 'coz it get
a playmate !
---------------------------------------
-Gee, aren't you lucky ! You won Toyota
by lottery !
- Naah, what about it, last week one
guy won a Ferrari !
---------------------------------------
At highschool: Patrick, why didn't you
give me your essay about 'what I did on
my summerholiday' ? Pat: I really have
a good reason ! My lawyer told me not
to tell about it !
---------------------------------------
Mother: Look at our son. Always on
refrigerator ! Father: Don't mind, good
appetite is only a good sign. Mother:
Yes, but he can get cold !
---------------------------------------
Look at this old photo, dear. Do you
remember how different we were on
'60's ? -Yep, and our motto was 'don't
trust anybody over 30 years of age'.
We surely have learned much from that
time. Now our motto is 'don't trust
ANYBODY' !
---------------------------------------
Little girl came home from school. Mom,
my teacher give me 'failed' for this
picture. Mother: Oh, but it's abso-
lutely awesome drawing. You're much
better drawer than most girls of your
age. How could she have done so ? Girl:
Because I made it on mathematics-les-
son.
---------------------------------------
Dad, can I borrow your car tonight ?
asked son. Dad: No way, why don't you
could just stay home. Boy: Oh, that was
a good idea ! I'll ask a couple of
friends here to listen my latest
speedmetal-records ! Dad: Oh, please,
take a car !!
---------------------------------------
At office: Harry ! Did you came here to
work or to sleep ? screamed boss.
Harry: Well, now, when you once let me
choice, I'll sleep.
---------------------------------------
Buuuaaah !! Tommy hit me ! Tommy:
That's a lie ! If you don't stop lying,
I'll hit you again !
---------------------------------------
Boy and girl came home from movies.
Boy: That was the most horrible thing,
I ever saw ! Girl: Don't mind, it
wasn't THAT horrible movie at all.
Boy: No, no, I meant the price of pop-
corn !
---------------------------------------
I can't understand you Billy, said
girl. In some exams you success so
well, and in some you fail completely.
Billy: What's so strange about it ?
It's only about studying. If guy, sit
ting next to me, has studied well, I'll
success, too.
---------------------------------------
Richard, come here to see your auntie !
called mother. I'll come soon, yelled
Rich. Mother: My son is impossible. If
I call him thousand times to come here,
he'll only say 'I'll come soon'. How
can he even get job with that way ?
Aunt: Don't worry. Your son has a pro-
mising career waiting him. Mom: In what
job ? Aunt: As waiter.(or what about a
porn-star ?! -ed....Get it ??)
---------------------------------------
Good day. I'd like to buy some educa-
tional toy for my son. Clerk: How about
this ? Mom: Oh that looks very com-
plex... Clerk: It IS complex, but it
teaches your child to meet the true
problems of life: it doesn't matter
that, how hard he tries. He'll fail
anyway.
---------------------------------------
At movies: Can you see the screen well
there, dear ? Husband: Oh, yes, very
well. Wife: Don't your seat wobble ?
Husband: No, it's OK. Wife: Hopefully
your seat is also undamaged and
clean..? Husband: Yep, it's completely
OK. Wife: Good, let's change our pla-
ces.
---------------------------------------
At lawyer's office: Here's the con-
tract, that I made for you. Just put
your name under. Customer: OK, but I'll
read it first. Lawyer: Well, did you
understand it ? Customer: Yep, every
single word ! Lawyer: Damn, then I did
something wrong !
---------------------------------------
²Well, that was the jokes this time. Of
course we cant put the same jokes in
the mag next time so we need you to do
something.....namely send your jokes to
us. It doesn't matter if they are taken
from a magazine or you came up with
them yourself, just as long as they
are : Dirty, Perverted, Nasty, Naughty,
or just totally mean. Okay, hope to see
some jokes from you....
Mud/Majic 12